New blogging purpose

So I have/had been blogging some time now about my pregnancy, family snippets and other miscellaneous things. I’ve decided to also document my results and achievements with my fitness and health goals. --- to help me stay accountable with my efforts.

So before I head to the gym tonight, let me summarize what I need/want to do with myself.

Firstly I need to lose weight. A number on a scale doesn’t mean anything to me. It’s how I feel, and right now I know I have to lose the extra pounds. This is going to be a struggle in more ways than one. I have consulted my primary physician and my OB and they both told me to take things slow. My body doesn’t want to burn any calories because I am still nursing, and any calories I do burn (or any dieting I apply) can make my milk suffer. ---not one of the lucky bf’ers that loses weight easily :( ---  I am prepared to wean Elijah in March for this reason, but until then I’m just going to take things slow. Right when he turned 6 months I was going too much and too hard at the gym and that’s when my milk supply dropped, to the point I was ready for formula (I’m proud to have nursed through that really hard time).

My second challenge is that my leg is still broken from a horrible car accident I suffered more than 5 years ago. --- It sounds silly, but I have an implanted rod that supports the fracture that hasn’t healed together yet (if it ever will). I wasn’t able to walk for nearly a year and the physical and emotional damage is still fresh to me. I can’t do the things I want because of deformation and scarring – but I know these issues can be overcome, healed and repaired. I just need to prep myself emotionally to use my leg in ways that I haven’t been able to for years. Honestly –now thinking about it- that’s what has held me back I think, now that I’m writing this ‘out loud’. I’m scared to injure my leg where I may have to endure part of the awful experience again.

--- wow, I just now realized that this STILL bothers me so much. I’m glad to write this out and share it with you (whoever you may be) to get it off my chest. I want to feel normal. I want to be able to sleep on my right side. I want to run. I want to sit Indian style. I don’t want to feel constant pain. I want to not worry when I get up from sitting with Elijah. I want my strength and confidence back. I just feel so far and so weak from ever becoming what I was 5 years ago.

Whenever I feel like this I remind myself how lucky I am. By God’s grace I am here, and if I don’t ever really run again, I’m thankful to be here and have a family. People have suffered worse. ---- However, I still think I need to give my feelings some thought before I smother them out with thankfulness; I’ve never really allowed myself to feel sorry for me before, but in all honestly I do feel sorry for me and my leg at times.

Now is the time to change that. I can get fit, repair my leg to stronger than it was before. It’s going to suck, and be really hard but I firmly believe the harder the challenge, the greater the reward.

Heck, if I can squeeze a human out of my vag med-free I can do this too.  :)

Hope I haven’t lost you in my ramblings up there, but I feel a load off my shoulders. I will begin my challenge and follow through so I can be proud and reap the amazing reward. Starting tonight. You as my witness and silent supporter. thank you.